The Very Secret Diary Of The One Ring
by Soyotome
Summary: Perhaps this has been done before..but I did it AGAIN! The RING has to have an opinion about all that's going on, right? Well, you can read that here, in its very secret Diary!! The Ring commands you! Muahaha!!
1. The Ring Takes a Look At.....The War of ...

I wrote this semi in the style of the other secret diaries....I like writing that way, tis fun! I'm not sure if that person actually DID write one from the rings POV, but I am NOT that person. This one is all mine. *refrains from making "Precious" reference* I'm deciding to take the Ring's POV all the way through "The Hobbit" and then up to LOTR. Reviews deciding, of course. Once again, I DIDN'T WRITE THE OTHER DIARIES! Okay, here goes.  
  
  
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING  
  
Day 1: Was made. Am SUCH a studly ring- very nice fiery letters of doom inscribed on me. Apparently purpose in life is to assist malformed kitchen appliance and facilitate his eventual coup d' état of all things good and holy. All is good as long as receive daily de-tarnishing- malformed kitchen appliances hand awfully sooty.  
  
Day 2: Feeling good, feeling powerful. Caused massive air catapultation of various rag-tag bunch of Men and Elves. Seemed to motivate intimidation. Go me! Felt less supreme when was unexpectedly hacked off of malformed kitchen appliance's rusted armor- landed next to un-washed, rather scruffy looking man who felt need to ogle for unnecessary length of time before dislodging me from Cajun-blackened severed digit.   
Rather despondent looking Elf with unnaturally white teeth seemed to desire to chuck me into rather inhospitable looking volcano. Would not stand for that- used supreme powers of mind manipulation to make scruffy looking man keep me as new neck adornment.   
  
Day 3: Having rather large second thoughts about keeping job as neck prettification. Scruffy man also rather smelly man. Needs good rinse and lather. Fortunately, wet dog odor man was ambushed by more large smelly creatures. Fell into water- not too cool. Appears as if I will be staying in this water for a while- saw scruffy-looking man bobbing down river impaled in places which seemed to guarantee his lack of life. As further insult, am now half-buried in river slime.  
  
Day 1,049: Have finally been rescued from interminably boring river. Am now in possession of slimy blue creature with an overdeveloped fondness for the letter S. Seems inevitable this will get on my nerves. May have to destroy slimly creature's mind. Am sure he will not notice, as seems half insane already.   
  
Day 1,050: Slimy creature also has acute fondness for fish. Am not sure how much longer can bear listening to creature debate with self over who loves fish more. Has nicknamed me unbearable love-pet name of "Precious." Am quite sure name will get tedious after about seventeenth use. Have feeling will be used more than seventeen times. May have to throttle creature in depth of night. If only had arms……   
  
Day 2,385,193: Finally have cracked. Lost count of times name "Precious" was hissed to me about two hundred years ago. Am very sick of dark, smelly cave. Am tremendously fed up with fish. Therefore, rolled away subtly when slimy creature was deciding which of it's selves should receive the head of yet another fish.  
Plan was to lie low and stay far away from slimy creature, but was unexpectedly discovered by timid midget. Was brought right back to unloved smelly creature and subjected to listening to a few dozen riddles. Was even included in riddle, felt loved. Was eventually brought outside again by timid midget, and met up with even more midgets, these being rough, hairy, and extraordinarily non-verbal.   
Beginning to miss malformed kitchen appliance.  
  
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Okay, tell me whatcha think. I love reviews! 


	2. Head Honcho Hobbit!

The chapter in which I completely skip "The Hobbit" to later return to (I WANT MY BOOK SARAH! GROWL!). Yeee-hah. So now we get to the begginning of the Fellowship of the ring. Trying in with the other secret diaries, although DID NOT WRITE. Don't own nothing either, no Frodo *sob* or Legolas *double sob* and any other of them peoples. Here we go with....the first half of the Ring's view of FotR!  
  
  
  
Day 2,450,319: So many boring years passed in pastoral beauty of rolling green hills. The Bilbo-Hobbit is getting way to old. Got to get a new brainwashable owner, ASAP. Beginning to remind me of throaty-noised creature in bleak caves a while ago.  
  
Day 2, 450, 319: Wonderful, wonderful birthday party for Bilbo-Hobbit. Got carried around in his smelly hobbit-pocket (doesn't he have somewhere ELSE to put things?) the entire time, and was several times smushed by Aunt Lobelia. Beginning to fear dents. Manky old wizard conjured up some cheap fireworks, and Bilbo-Hobbit traumatized a horde of poor unsuspecting hobbit-children with his masterful dragon tale. (And would that have been possible without ME? I don't THINK so. But was I mentioned? Noooooo…)  
Considered not doing anything when Bilbo-hobbit put me on. Would have made for good laugh to see him standing there foolishly, or better yet, running off thinking he was invisible. Refrained, and finally got to wish hobbit farewell, after much puttering around with Where-Is-The-Ring-NOW? Then had to listen to wizard muttering to himself, whilst he left me unkindly sitting on the floor. If there's one thing I can say about hobbits- they certainly don't SWEEP enough.   
Somehow have been passed along to younger hobbit with enormous blue eyes. Think he could beat the pants off Sauron in a staring contest…..if he had pants that is. When one is a large eyeball is it certainly most difficult to put on clothing. Am now in large, dank trunk- expect to be here for a while.  
  
Day 2, 543, 109: Heard Master's call…..heh….heh….heh…….  
  
  
Day 2, 453, 213: The return of the manky old wizard has come at last….pity. Had made good solid friendship with forgotten cardigan sweater in that trunk. Ineffectual wizard lobbed me into pathetic hobbit hearth fire. Ha. Think not. Did he expect me to melt? Someone should toss HIM in a fire. Maybe that would rid him of his paste-on beard. Manky wizard decided an extended road trip was in order for both the curly-haired midget and self. Also manufactured second, rather pusillanimous and effeminate hobbit through window and decided he should tag along too.  
  
Day 2, 453, 214: Hobbits seem to pop out of every crevasse around here. Two of them on a rampage bowled over bug-eyed hobbit and effeminate sidekick- most irritating. Then large scramble ensued, and almost resulted in getting back to malformed kitchen appliance, who is now just a big-ass eye. Large lumbering riders with more layers of fabric on them than an Egyptian mummy now playing Hunt-The-Hobbit in the deep inky woods. Ended up on a ferry- hate water. Hate, hate, hate.  
  
Day 2, 453, 216: Entered quaint foreboding town of Bree. For some reason head hobbit honcho is trying to hunt down manky old wizard again. He didn't show, so hobbits loitered about in the bar with the most deformed group of people alive. What did the cast director do- walk into an audition room and say they were looking for the most warped and unsightly people there? Honestly.  
Played a joke on head hobbit honcho and jumped on his finger. Unfortunately, drew the attention of man with strange voice undertone and in desperate need of razor-education. Wouldn't have minded him had he not prolonged my return to the big-ass eye. Thinks he's real clever with his BEDS and everything. Hate unshaven one.  
  
Day 2, 453, 221: Days and days of trekking through greatly varied landscape. Fields and snow and trees….oh my. Arrived at decrepit ruins and, thanks to asinine Scottish hobbit, almost was reclaimed by big-ass eye's minions. Unfortunately, Mr. High-And-Mighty ranger decided to turn pyro and engulf them all in flames. Head honcho hobbit was also punctured severely- normally would not care to much but in this case I must now listen to him wheeze and gasp and convulse. Not pleasant.  
  
Day 2, 453, 222: Stand-in for feminine hygiene commercial showed up to save head honcho hobbit- seems to be able to change outfits rather quickly. Grabbed Frodo (and ME) and zipped off on gallant white horse that had "Property of Glorfindel" stamped on its hide. Meaning?  
  
Day 2, 453, 224: Arrived in Rivendell. Last "Homely" House is not exactly correct name to slap onto the place. Head honcho hobbit unconscious. V. boring hanging about his neck all day, except dreaded times when effeminate hobbit decides to give him strawberry-scented bubble baths. How much cleaning can one TAKE? Tally for today is seven…wait, here comes that side-kick hobbit again….  
  
Day 2, 453, 226: Head honcho hobbit awakens! NO. MORE. BATHS. Much wandering, reunions, and discovering of withered and wizened Bilbo-Hobbit. Who stuck HIM in the oven? Apparently is going to be a council about what to do with ME. So very flattered……  
  
  
Day 2, 453, 227: Council headed by same despondent Elf who wanted to dispose of me in roaring volcano all that time ago. Hate high-foreheaded Elf. Wanted to jump off pedestal and show him the sound of inevitability personally….but refrained.  
On the other hand, was most amused by whispering odd, irrelevant admonitions directly into curly-haired midget's mind. Also performed party trick have been perfecting for past three hundred years- the subtle trick of moving slightly to the left when a large, mad, hairy newt swings a meat cleaver directly at oneself.  
Bilbo-hobbit later gave curly-haired midget a jacket to rival even my tremendous sparkliness. The coat is going down.   
  
Day 2, 453, 231: Lots of trekking across more countryside on this quest to destroy ME. Needless to say THAT won't happen. Far to many people to keep track of on this excursion- the head honcho hobbit and his three sidekicks, the hairy newt, the manky wizard, the ranger who refuses to WASH, blonde yobo with dinner plate, and an androgynous elf. Sojourn V. boring…..getting seasick from hanging about head honcho hobbits neck…..  
  
Day 2, 453, 233: Much loitering about on group of tedious boulders. Androgynous elf hopping about on them like some sort of nancing poodle, most disgusting. Large torrent of birds spurred entire posse to leap into hiding….so silly. In all, v. boring day. Perhaps will use stunningly potent mind-control prowess to invoke game of Fellowship strip poker. Could be good fun…also could be root beginnings of deep physiological problems. Reversed desire to summon strip-poker game.  
  
Day 2, 453, 235: Apparently appearance of birds spurred manky wizard to sally forth across Caradhas. Curly-haired midget again fell down. Am beginning to suspect this may be a reoccurring theme. Fell off his neck and was instantly manhandled by blond yobo. Most irritating. Androgynous elf prancing about on top of snow v. maddening. Insisted there was a "fell voice" on the air, yet the only thing audible was strange burbling noises from his pack. Also a few hisses. Dreadfully familiar voice. Must proceed with caution. Or rather, must hang about hobbit's neck with caution, as cannot actually go anywhere by self.  
  
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VOILA! Very conceited Ring- doesn't even bother to learn their names. Oh well, it's the One Ring, I think it's forgiven. Tell me whatcha think! 


End file.
